I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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