Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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