I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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