well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
