So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My life is pants optional.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
