i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
