My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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