i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
