The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
