hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
