how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just puked most of my soul out..
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
