I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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