I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Buhtt sex?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
