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i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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