I'm lost and stupid without you.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
