I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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