smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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