I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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