thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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