Where did you get a picture of my penis
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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