I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You took a bar mat shot.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
