My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
