Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
