When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
