You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
