roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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