WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
