I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
is it fun? or sober?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
