How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
