we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
