mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
