can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
