The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
