A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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