i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
