my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
