Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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