She's like a pop up book from hell.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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