If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
