there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
