If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
