What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
