I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
