Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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