I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
