My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
