I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
