Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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