This dress was meant to end up on your floor
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
