; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
