there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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