My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
