I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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